If your catchphrase is a nonstop apology, it’s time to write a new script. Here’s what to say instead, in a range of situations.
A sincere apology is a beautiful thing.
It says, “I wronged you, and I take responsibility,” acknowledging the humanity of both the wronged party and the person who made a mistake, as humans do.
The problem is when you stop uttering “I’m sorry” only to apologize and start using it as a verbal tic: “Sorry, I’m not clear on this” before you ask a question. “Sorry to bug you” before you interact with someone. “Oh, so sorry…ficus,” when you turn a corner into a potted plant.
“We have to apologize for the times when our behavior negatively impacts somebody else”
—Lizzie Post, coauthor of Emily Post’s Etiquette
“We have to apologize for the times when our behavior negatively impacts somebody else,” says etiquette expert Lizzie Post, coauthor (with her cousin Daniel Post Senning) of the new Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Centennial Edition.
But when it becomes a default, “it starts to lose its impact or puts us in a position of feeling like we have to apologize for existing in the world.”
If this sounds uncomfortably familiar, by all means, don’t apologize!
First, recognize that you’re not alone.
Niro Feliciano, a cognitive psychotherapist and author of This Book Won’t Make You Happy, points to a recent study of university students that found that men and women apologize at the same rate—about 81% of the time they think they’ve offended someone—but women suspect they’re causing offense much more often.
“Our awareness is heightened,” she explains.
“If you go back to Adam and Eve, women have been blamed for the wrongdoings of other people for as long as we can remember. We receive mixed messages: Be intelligent but not a know-it-all. That creates an internal barometer where we are sensitive to how we’re perceived and what we do that might create tension in our workplaces, homes, relationships. This is why we’re so quick to say sorry.”
So save the apologies for when …
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